My eating disorder

First of all, I have to admit that I am really scared, especially because I am about to talk about something that I personally am ashamed of. But well, I'm a 24-year-old and have anorexia. It started from my 18th and on my 21st; it’s been there all this time. Unfortunately, after years of therapy, recordings, treatments, etc., I've fallen back, but I do not want to. I really want to fight off, but it’s really hard. I no longer get the world of therapy. Support groups help me, unfortunately I cannot relate to the different experiences. There are so many people with the most terrible diseases and then I do this to myself and also do I have a lot of people to support me. There’s so much pain and sadness. I do not want to go anymore. I know I do not have to be ashamed, but I am. I never really talk to friends. Maybe they have their suspicions, but I do not want them to worry. I don’t want to tell my mother either. My mother would only get stress if she knows I'm busy with so much weight loss. That's why I only put this in this forum. Did I really have to write it off?